For those unfamiliar with She-Ra, she is the long-lost twin sister of He-Man, is often referred to as “The Princess of Power,” and considered “The Most Powerful Woman in the Universe.” Her Sword of Protection, similar to He-Man’s Sword of Power, enables the transformation from Princess Adora into She-Ra, her secret identity. It also aids the magical transformation of her horse into the winged unicorn Swift Wind. Known for her incredible strength, She-Ra regularly attempts feats deemed impossible by other characters, including the lifting of full-grown men and robots, as well as buildings and mountain-sized rocks. Yet, her physical prowess is not limited to strength, as she is also extremely fast and acrobatic, as well as gifted with empathic understanding and mental communication with animals. She-Ra also utilizes combat as a last resort, and instead, prefers to outsmart her adversaries via non-violent methods.

Now, I am certain many of you are wondering why this trip down cartoon memory lane is relevant. I assure you it is, so just hang tight and remove the glaze from over your eyes, as well as any sleep-induced drool from your chin, because I promise you that I am getting to the point. 

In November 2011, I decided to start attending spin classes again after a five-year hiatus, because I needed an outside source of motivation in order to complete my workouts. While I normally prefer a nice long run, my arch nemesis the evil “ED” worked alongside my severe anxiety to clog my mind with negative thoughts. As you can imagine, spending 40+ minutes locked inside my own tormented head while running was not ideal. In fact, it was hellish, so I decided to break-up with running for a while. Luckily, the nearby 24 Hour Fitness recently completed a remodel upgrade to Super Duper Ultra Mega Awesome Possum status, so it offers an abundance of spin classes with various options available regarding instructors, days, and times.

One lucky evening, I stumbled upon the most amazing Spin Instructor in all the land. She was substituting for another instructor and not only was her class well planned and extremely challenging, it was also very fun and unique with a good variety of music. Instantly, I was hooked. So much so, in fact, that I pondered the possibility of hidden subliminal messages or the presence of crack cocaine in the antibacterial spray utilized to wipe down the bikes. Then, however, realization struck. She is literally a living and breathing human hybrid of She-Ra and Cheer Bear, and her superhero energy and bright disposition are what is addicting. 

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Her classes have a different theme each week where the focus rotates between speed, endurance, and resistance, which helps avoid boredom and provides varied physical challenges. I have never met someone before who can make people smile, laugh, and have so much fun while literally working their buns off. Her sparkle is not limited to the spin room, as she also has a Facebook where class attendees can receive schedule updates and request songs, as well as receive regular motivational and uplifting posts. 

In December, I finally admitted to myself that I had an Eating Disorder and started this blog, as well as met with a therapist who diagnosed me with Bulimia and Social Anxiety Disorder. It was through Facebook that the Perky Pedal Princess, also known as Jen, learned about my blog. To my surprise, she unexpectedly offered her support, as well as her friendship. Her kindness provides a much-needed reminder that there are real life superheroes, and she has helped me more than she can possibly know with my recovery. My appreciation is immeasurable. ♥ 

Who is your real life superhero? 

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Happy Seventh Butt Rock and Bathroom Humor Day everyone! ♥ 

You almost had me fooled for good. Unfortunately for you, I have finally removed the wool from over my eyes. I bet you thought the feelings of intense anxiety, self-loathing, shame, disgust, and hopelessness would remain firmly in place. After all, you have been present in my life more than 16 years, and have absolutely dominated and controlled my existence for the past three. While you were busy distorting my reality, I overlooked a few extremely important things. Today, I remembered exactly how I secured a gag over your mouth and locked you into deepest, darkest basement of my consciousness for most of 2008, the most peaceful year of my life.

When I set difficult goals and strive hard to achieve them, I liberate myself from the feelings of failure that you utilize to confine me in a tormented and melancholy existence. When I attend church, I remember that I am not alone, unlikeable, or unlovable. I know that God is with me always and loves me unconditionally despite my imperfections. I am perfect in my imperfection. When I feel disgusting and uncomfortable in my own skin, rather than let you convince me to avoid the gym because of the fat rolls that you significantly exaggerate in the mirror, I now own an amazing pair of Under Armour fitted Capri tights that do not pinch my silhouette in unflattering ways. When I complete vigorous and difficult workouts, I regain control of what I eat, simply because I refuse to let all of the hard work and resulting soreness go to waste. I also remember the importance of nourishing my body with the right foods so that it can heal and gain strength, and when I literally work my ass off to burn 600 calories, it makes it much easier to resist a binge.

No longer will I let you tell me what I can and cannot do. I have decided to start training for my second half-marathon, and am also considering the possibility of Tough Mudder. I cannot possibly know if my foot can handle half-marathon mileage unless I try. If it cannot, I will replace the half-marathon with another difficult goal. I refuse to waste any more time with you in the driver’s seat of my life. I choose to fight back, to feel joy, and to learn to love myself. While I know I will never be completely free of you, today is my second day of vigorous physical activity alongside a healthy and balanced diet with an adequate number of calories for my activity level. I now feel stronger and more committed to defeating you than I have in years, so it is time to bust out the zip ties, blindfold, and gag, because you are taking a long overdue trip back to the depths of the basement of my mind. Please do not let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, you evil, good-for-nothing bully.

Sincerely,

Elizabeth

Now, I am sure many of you are wondering how I could possibly allow myself to go through this again after the last occurrence was so horrendous. Have I mentioned that I am a complete and total stubborn ass? If I have not, many of my posts definitely imply this fact. Not only am I a complete stubborn ass, but I am also very clumsy and when I have too much on my plate, I tend to revert to a distracted and scatterbrained state where I tend to lose all common sense, despite my above-average IQ. Please do not worry, as the previous sentence was a very fleeting and short-lived moment of boasting. I assure you that I will not sustain an injury while trying to pat myself on my own back. Well, not this time, anyway.

On Sunday, the contamination occurred at the end of a very lovely church service, when the congregation reenacted the Last Supper as we shared in communion. I experienced a brief moment of terror as the bread-covered tray made its way up the aisle toward me (insert the music from the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s movie “Psycho” here). Those of you who have gluten intolerance, a gluten allergy, or Celiac’s Disease can probably relate to this feeling of terror.

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After evaluating the size of bread fragments, I decided I would move forward with communion, because they were smaller than a dime in size. After years of regularly feeling horrendous, I finally learned of my gluten intolerance in November 2011. Since I am still fairly new at the gluten-free lifestyle, I assumed that such a teeny tiny piece of bread would be “safe” to consume. Based on the migraines, fatigue, and various other narly symptoms experienced this week, I can admit that I was obviously very wrong.

Damn you, gluten! You are the root of all that is evil! 

Like a small child repeatedly testing boundaries and limits, it typically takes numerous attempts before something can get through my concrete skull. However, I can honestly say that this time, my stubborn ass has fully learned my lesson, is glad to finally be feeling less like a victim of the zombie plague, and it very happy that it is finally Friday! Woohoo! ♥

What, if anything, causes you to dig your heels firmly into the ground like a stubborn ass?  

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The bright side of having writer’s block and repeatedly tumbling off the wagon is some much-needed time to contemplate many things about not only myself, but my life. This introspection has allowed me to heal, forgive myself for my shortcomings, and find some much-needed peace. It has taken numerous days and countless attempts to complete this post, but its presence on my blog signifies that I was finally able to overcome the worst of the blockade. 

I made a very important decision as a small child, in the midst of sadness, pain, and dysfunction. When I reached an extremely important fork in the road, I took the path less traveled. It was difficult to traverse, as it consisted of such things as slippery mud, intense inclines, rapid declines, poisonous plants, ravenous wildlife, and jagged, sharp rocks. Yet, unlike its flat, safe, and nicely paved counterpart, this difficult path was actually the one that provided a successful escape from a cycle of poverty, teen pregnancy, drug addiction, alcoholism, and heartache. I am amazed each time I reflect on the strength, courage, determination, and perseverance required for choosing to fight for a better life at such a young age. Especially, since my desire to succeed managed to surface after Social Anxiety Disorder had already taken up residence inside of my brain.

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It was through resilience and a fierce inner spirit that I gained admission to a school for gifted children, repeatedly won academic awards, and received the highest marks on all report cards. When frequent moves and relocations caused my grades to dip, my will to succeed led me to leave behind everything I knew to live with my grandmother for my high school years, as I did not want anything to stand in the way of my attending college. Despite the development of my Eating Disorder, as well my involvement in extracurricular activities and a steady part-time job, I maintained an excellent grade-point-average and graduated Valedictorian of my class. With the assistance of a few small scholarships, numerous part-time jobs, and extensive financial aid, I was able to attend a university, where I was a member of numerous honor societies, juggled a full-time school schedule alongside a part-time work schedule, and graduated Summa Cum Laude of my class.

During these successful years, not only did I battle Bulimia and Social Anxiety Disorder, as well as some Generalized Anxiety, but I also faced numerous other hardships and experienced significant low points. Rather than use them as excuses, however, they acted as fuel to my inner fire. It was not until I graduated college in 2004 and began my journey into the working world that this inner fire slowly started to dwindle. Over the past eight years, I have worked five different positions at three different organizations. While I attained promotions at two of the three establishments and each occupation supplied me with the blessing of stability, a regular paycheck, and health benefits, they each lacked in providing a sense of accomplishment, challenge, gratification, acknowledgement, or enjoyment. During the periods immediately following a change in career, however, my spark would temporarily ignite, burn bright, and remain for a short time, but would start to fade as the monotony started to set in once again.

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 It was not until I trained for my first half-marathon in 2008 that my inner fire, drive, and determination returned in full glory. It was an amazing experience and it felt wonderful to focus on such a difficult goal and not only attain it, but surface on the other side significantly stronger than when I started. I was in denial about my Eating and Anxiety Disorders until November 2011. Looking back, the year I trained for the Nike Women’s Half Marathon was honestly the one year of my life where I fully had my Bulimia and Anxiety Disorders under control. I absolutely adore running. While I would have strived to complete a full marathon as my next goal, my foot issues became too severe, and caused me to stop running for a bit in order for them to mend.

Once I resumed running, it was excruciating and required taping of my foot, toe separators, ice packs, and loads of Ibuprofen. Despite these measures, I hobbled rather than walked. Unfortunately, both of my feet have painful bunions, or Hallux Valgus, which require corrective surgery, where the bone under the big toe is broken, shaved down, and fused back together with metal pins. This surgery would require me to spend 6+ weeks with my foot immobilized in a boot, plus a minimum of an additional 4 weeks wait before resuming vigorous exercise. Mind you, that is essentially 10 weeks per foot that I would be unable to exercise. While weight gain is definitely one concern, I am more hesitant because of my anxiety levels and mood, as I become a crabby and overly anxious sourpuss without regular vigorous exercise.

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Luckily, a friend introduced me to Vibram Five Fingers barefoot running shoes in the fall of 2009. While performing my pre-purchase research (yes, I am a nerd of massive proportions), I found that many people have successfully corrected their bunions and Plantar Fasciitis simply by wearing Vibrams while running, walking, and exercising. Some have seen such great results that they swear by them and have committed to wearing only Vibrams 100% of the time. After working my mileage back up slowly in the recommended manner, as Vibrams utilize muscles in the feet and calves not used when walking or running in “regular” shoes, my feet can handle up to five miles without swelling and only occasional mild soreness.

While I have battled both Anxiety Disorders since childhood, as well as the evil “ED” and Bulimia since my early teen years, it was not until the start of 2009 through the end of 2011 that each increased in intensity and spiraled steadily out of my control. With the current economic climate, I know it is a blessing to have a job, as well as the handful of wonderful people who brighten the sea of cubicles each day. However, I have spent the past four years in a work environment that does not provide consistent challenge and growth, as well as is negative, lacking in morale,  and filled with more than its fair share of two-faced, vicious people. During this period, I also experienced an inability to run, a long-term and dead-end relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, deep sorrow and pain from the betrayal of a few key friends, and a ”short-term” 15% pay cut at work that crippled my finances and landed me in debt. 

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The combination of these factors, as well as many others not mentioned in this post, resulted in agonizing hurt and feelings of complete and utter failure. For the first time, I allowed myself to give up. I chose to let the disappointment and pain continue to build as I adopted a victim mentality and threw a three-year long pity party while allowing layers and layers of bullshit to bury alive my inner drive, determination, and spark. I allowed myself to become isolated and imprisoned by my distorted thoughts. While I am not suicidal, nor have I ever been suicidal, and I would never, I repeat never, consider taking my own life, there were numerous instances over the years where I prayed to God with tears pouring down my cheeks, and begged him to take me home because I could not take any more pain or failure.

With lowered defenses and severe self-doubt, the strengthening of the evil “ED” and my Anxiety Disorders was inevitable. Not to mention, the pain was so intense and consuming, it is not surprising that it fully triggered my binge eating “coping” mechanism. I was terrified of weight gain, so the restriction, excessive exercise, and laxative abuse quickly followed. As I continued to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat, my unrelenting feelings of self-loathing, disgust, and failure increased, mainly because I believed that I should have easily been able to control my food intake. I refused to admit to myself that I had a problem and needed help. At the same time, I rarely left the house except to go to work, because I hated how my clothes fit, felt completely unlikeable and unlovable, and was consumed with worry of what others would think of me. I can admit now that I also stayed in an unfulfilling relationship far too long simply because he was my main source of social contact during one of the darkest periods of my life.

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The fact that I managed to keep a career, overall health, and a few true friendships intact during this period is a blessing from up above. I also thank my strong work ethic and will to survive, as well as my desire to keep the promises I made to Crackerjack and Marshmallow. During their adoptions, I assured them that I would do anything within my power to provide them with a permanent, safe, and loving home alongside access to healthy food and veterinary care. While my family and a few amazing friends did not understand what I was going through, mainly because I was in denial and did not understand it myself, their support, as well as my weekly volunteer time with the feral cats, were instrumental in helping me to make it through. When I contemplate the alternatives of where I could be at this very moment, I am overwhelmed with gratitude, because things could be significantly worse.

Over the past nine months, I have slowly started to dig myself out from the rubble. After an out-of-state visit for a close friend’s 30^th birthday, I realized how unhappy I was and upon my return home, ended the relationship with the emotionally unavailable man. Not long after it ended, I was caught by surprise when the romance with Jamas, my soul mate and true love, was rekindled and unexpectedly, he offered to uproot his entire life and move here for us to be together. With him by my side, I started to laugh and smile more, as well as to feel true happiness and joy for the first time in years. His never-ending support, love, and belief in me helped to thaw my heart and breathe life back into my world.

Around the same time, I met my friend Andrea when she started volunteering with me caring for the feral kitties. We hit it off from the very beginning. She is a beautiful person, wonderful friend, and a fellow cat lover. In fact, we are two crazy cat ladies in a pod. It was with the encouragement and help of Jamas and Andrea that I felt strong enough to adopt one of my favorite homeless kitties Lily, as well as to see a therapist for the first time in my life and attend the Cognitive-Behavior Therapy sessions that have been instrumental in my learning how to manage my Anxiety Disorders.

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 Happy Sixth Butt Rock and Bathroom Humor Day everyone! ♥

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Happy Single Awareness and Couple’s Obligation Day! Seriously though, I hope you all have a lovely Valentine’s Day! ♥

My resistance against Twitter, however, crumbled faster than a Wheat-Free Dairy-Free Newman-O’s Cookie in a glass of Vanilla Almond Milk when offered the possibility of winning a gorgeous Kate Spade coin purse on Nicole‘s most recent giveaway.

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Not to mention, I have missed out on following a few of my favorite people, as well as participating in some amazing giveaways, so my joining Twitter was something that I have avoided, but been considering for a long while. The fact that I already struggle keep up with blogs, e-mail, Facebook, and my personal life was a big part of my hesitation. Now that I am focusing on being present and mindful of the moment, I have been better at taking care of my needs and do not feel obligated to respond within a certain amount of time. Instead, I do so when I can and want to, which helps to lower my anxiety levels and avoid triggering a binge. 

After strongly considering the issue, I decided that I could handle adding a little more fuel to the fire. However, I have protected my Twitter account because I do not share my blog with my co-workers for various reasons. If you would like to send me a follow request and check me out on Twitter, my user name is Spiral_Up_Lizzy.

Happy weekend everyone! ♥

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When I woke this morning, another amazing thing happened. I discovered that my voice and inspiration had both returned in full force. Some of you may have heard the loud “thump” last week as it echoed throughout the lands far and wide when I rocket launched off the wagon. As I lay on the ground gasping while my lungs struggled to fill themselves with air, the evil “ED” alongside his awful sister “MIA” brought the wagon to a screeching halt and promptly reversed back over me at full speed ahead. To make matters worse, the pitiful “SAD,” who is more widely known as Social Anxiety Disorder, utilized that exact moment of weakness to run over the remaining bits of my carcass with a fully loaded semi-truck. 

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Despite my trip off the wagon, not all of my progress was lost. I did not utilize exercise or laxatives to purge, nor do I engage in full binge behavior. Instead, I had several different ”mini” binge sessions over the past few days, which I failed to acknowledge until today, because I was in denial about them and did not want to admit my backslide to anyone, especially myself. Despite these small binges, I still continued to feel deep, dark, and brutal emotions, so they did not inhibit my ability to feel. While I am still learning how to cope and process such intense emotions, I am proud that despite the increased amount of torment, I was able to stay strong enough to keep sight of my goals and progress so far, as well as to continue fighting back against the evil “ED.”

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After hitting the gym for the first time since early last week, with the exception of an amazing 3-mile run on Saturday that unfortunately prolonged my illness, I was able to attain some clarity on what triggered the maximum output lever for both my Eating Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder.

Since the middle of last week, I have been sick with a very nasty cold virus, which inhibited my ability to hit the gym. The combination of feeling poopy and no exercise tends to negatively affect my ability to manage both disorders. On top of that, my therapist was in China last week, so we did not meet for a Cognitive-Behavior Therapy session, which I now realize has been helping dramatically with my anxiety levels.

Adding insult to injury, I received some bad news regarding my job and while it is currently safe, things could get ugly in the very near future. Not to mention, I was numbed by Bulimia when my grandfather passed away a few years back, and as his birthday and death day are both within the first two weeks of February, the amount of grief felt in response to his loss has been borderline unbearable. Oh, and I cannot forget the recent cancer diagnosis of yet another friend, the hurt resulting from the unpleasant actions of many close to my heart, and the return of the always so lovely PMS this week. 

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Rather than providing this information in an attempt to make excuses for my binge backslide, instead, I am acknowledging the triggers that resulted in my being overwhelmed by my both of my disorders. I also admit that there are many others in similar shoes who face far worse battles with significant grace, positivity, and success.

Today is officially Day 1 back on the wagon. Wish me luck! ♥ 

My Adorable Sous Chef, Little Miss Lily ♥

“Liquid Gold” Dressing is packed with Omega-3 Fatty Acids, Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), and other B Vitamins, which are all typically absent in a healthy vegan diet without the aid of supplementation. Two Tablespoons of this creamy and tasty dressing, which is both vegan and gluten-free, provides 3.8 grams of Omega-3 Fatty Acids, which is the daily supply and then some, along with 40% of the B12 for the day, or 80% if you use the higher amount of yeast powder.

The Tasty Dressing Ingredients ♥

Ingredients:

♦  1/2 Cup Flaxseed Oil (120 ml)
♦  1/2 Cup Water (120 ml)
♦  1/3 Cup Lemon Juice (80 ml)
♦  1/4 Cup Bragg Liquid Aminos or Tamari (60 ml)
♦  1/4 to 1/2 Cup Red Star Vegetarian Nutritional Yeast Powder (60-120 ml)
♦  2 Tbsp Balsamic or Raspberry Vinegar (30 ml)
♦  2 tsp Dijon Mustard (10 ml)
♦  1 tsp Ground Cumin (5 ml)

The Finished Product ♥

Instructions: 

♦ Blend until smooth.
♦ Dressing can be kept in a jar with a lid, refrigerated for 2 weeks.
♦ Makes 2 cups or 16 individual Two-Tablespoon servings.

"Liquid Gold" Dressing ♥

Per a Two-Tablespoon serving:

♦ Calories: 78
♦ Fat: 7 grams
♦ Carbohydrate: 2 grams
♦ Dietary Fiber: 0.4 grams
♦ Protein: 1 gram
♦ Sodium: 180 milligrams

The Yummy Salad Ingredients ♥

The preparation of this fantastic dressing made my mouth water and tummy growl, so I made a salad consisting of my favorite available ingredients, which were organic baby spring mix, celery, carrots, green bell pepper, and raw almonds.

Next Stop, Drool Central ♥

While I tried my best to be a lady like my lovely friend Nicole, the combination of salad and dressing overwhelmed my senses and I ate every last bite. That is okay, though, because she is more than enough lady for both of us! ♥

My Tummy & Taste Buds were Ecstatic ♥

As this recipe does not overpower the veggies, but simply adds just the perfect touch of delicious flavor to the salad, I give it 5 out of 5 “Om Nom Nom’s” and a huge A+!